


Memory

by darkcookie



Category: VIXX
Genre: Canon, Gen, Genderbending, Vixx - Freeform, girl!vixx
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-22
Updated: 2016-08-22
Packaged: 2018-08-10 11:36:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7843420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkcookie/pseuds/darkcookie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Han Sanghyuk was 11 years old when she decided she wanted to become a star.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Memory

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically a collection of drabbles about VIXX since their debut until Dynamite. The only change is that, well, VIXX is a girl group.
> 
> Some information is omitted, since it's mostly well known information about VIXX and their activities.

 

 

Han Sanghyuk was 11 when she decided she wanted to become a star.

 

Sanghyuk enjoyed the attention and loved receiving praises for her hard work.

When Sanghyuk discovered the freedom she felt when she danced, it all made sense.

And when she got the opportunity to join MyDol, it all fell into place.

 

— **I feel fantastic** —

 

Sanghyuk had never been as conscious of her body as she was after 12 hours rehearsing the same choreography over and over again. She could feel her muscles cramping and her short breath was leaving her dizzy. She couldn’t even remember the last time they had eaten.

When Hakyeon finally said they were done for the day, Jaehwan waltzed over to her and pinched her slightly in the arm.

“Are you ready to practice your lines with me?” She asked grinning, and Sanghyuk could see the tiredness, the pain and the effort behind her eyes. Even smiling hurt.

“Of course!” She answered. “ I just have to go to the bathroom one second.”

“Sure thing, sweetie.” Jaehwan answered as she ruffled Sanghyuk’s hair. “Ew, you are sweaty!”

Sanghyuk didn’t have enough band-aids to cover all blisters in her feet, and yet she somehow managed not to get blood on her sneakers while she rehearsed with Jaehwan.

 

_ <120524 05:24:36> Another girl group, another song. Nothing special. _

_ <120524 05:31:42> Had they tried to go for another concept, I might have liked them, but girls trying to be superheroes... It's just silly _

_ <120521 05:49:28> Nice song. I am so glad they finally debuted! _

_ <120524 06:09:17> They very pretty, but also very ordinary. They should have tried something sexier, so they would have been more noticeable. _

_ <120524 06:22:51> Making them promote at the same time as TTS was a huge mistake. They don't even come from a big company. What were they even thinking? _

 

Recording MTV’s Diary was both a relief and pain at the same time. Sanghyuk was no longer as awkward and out of place as she used to be, slowly warming up to all of the members. Laughing on camera came easier that way, as it was interacting with the rest of VIXX in all of their performances.

Sanghyuk didn’t regret the life she chose, but nothing had prepared her for the physical pain and exhaustion. Every inch of her skin burnt constantly, her throat was sore and waking up was as dreadful as walking on fire.

And yet every day, VIXX woke up, put on their best smiles and walked out to conquer the stage.

 

— **You make me feel alive** —

 

_Is this song very similar to the first one or am I having a deja-vu? #VIXX_RockUrBody_

_#VIXX_RockUrBody These girls need to start taking care of themselves. This comeback does not suit them. They should do something cuter!_

_VIXX Fighting! #VIXX_RockUrBody_

_Hongbin looks very gorgeous, it's a pity she can't sing.#VIXX_RockUrBody_

_#VIXX_RockUrBody Somebody should tell them to smile more._

_They obviously debuted just because of their looks. Besides Taekwoon I don't know how they picked these girls #VIXX_RockUrBody_

 

The buzz was taking over Sanghyuk’s body. The thrill of performing on stage was the best adrenaline shot anyone could get and doing it on a stage such as the KCON had left Sanghyuk overcharged with energy. She saw banners with her name on them and couldn’t help but grin especially towards them, trying to share as much of herself as possible.

Hongbin kept walking next to her, probably worried that if one of them got dragged by the crowd it would be an endless shower of adoration. She didn’t do well with that, whereas Sanghyuk enjoyed it, which meant that Hongbin would use her as a buffer with their fans.

Sanghyuk just took her hand and ran for it.

 

— **I need therapy** —

 

_The rookie group of Jellyfish Ent. has made a bold comeback after almost 5 months since their last promotions. The six girls have presented their new Single “On & On” with a more daring, vampire concept. “I am ready to get hurt” they sing as they kneel on the ground on stage with fierce dark makeup and impressive dance moves. _

_“We wanted to show the many sides of our group” said the leader Hakyeon last week on Inkigayo._

_“We feel like it's our duty towards our sweet Starlights to give our best on every stage” added the vocalist Jaehwan. “I think that this will set us apart from other groups.”_

_VIXX debuted last May with “Superhero” and were well received from the public._

_What will their fans think of this drastic change?_

 

Sanghyuk wouldn't stop crying. Whenever they were in the car or in the dorm, she would take her phone out and go through all the comments she could find regarding their latest comeback. Hakyeon had to remind her constantly that even though she suggested the vampire theme, she had nothing to do with the hard criticism they were dealing with. Wonsik and Taekwoon, on the other hand, stayed locked up as much as possible, each one of them overworking themselves trying to fabricate a new song that would make people forget they ever dared to think outside the box.

Hakyeon would stand outside the studio door for hours trying to convince Wonsik to eat and Taekwoon to get out and stretch her legs. She also shared her bed with Sanghyuk whenever she found comments on Naver asking whether the girl with the purple hair really was a part of the group or just an add-on.

Even the most banal questions like “what makes you unique” or “what concept would you like to do in the future?” seemed desperate attempts for them to redeem themselves. Riding the wave made it easy to forget that they had to feed said wave, and it was taking its toll on them. Jaehwan was being overly excessive on every show they went to and Hongbin had to show her dimples more than ever.

 

_This is really inappropriate. These girls should understand that they are role models. They should have been more cautious than making a comeback with such a dark concept. Besides, they should have censored the clothes they were wearing in that mv, it's completely out of place._

****

— **Can’t let you go** —

 

_This is the kind of concept a girl group should make._

 

“So, how would you describe your latest concept?”

All the girls instantly turned to Hakyeon, waiting for their leader to blind the public with her gorgeous smile just enough so they would ignore the well rehearsed and overly repeated answer.

“G.R.8.U. is a song that expresses our personalities very well,” Hakyeon said gesturing with her free hand. “It tells the story of how happy one is due to the one they love.”

The public started clapping enthusiastically and Hakyeon pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. She quickly handed the microphone over to Wonsik and held her hand in a small attempt to calm her.

“We wanted to show you guys our versatility as well as share how happy we are when we are together with our fans.”

The constant shuttering of the cameras never leaves them. Taekwoon hides slightly behind Jaehwan and Sanghyuk kept on smiling and waving to all the cameras pointing at her.

  
****

— **My answer** —

 

Sanghyuk could hear Hongbin’s teeth clattering from the cold.

They were recording the music video and somehow Sweden had decided to give them a very authentic Swedish experience. Hot packs were exchanged and it made it look like as if they were smuggling something, by the way Wonsik was hiding them in her chest.

 _We are the first Korean artist to come here to Sweden,_ Sanghyuk reminded herself.

She saw Hakyeon hopping up and down in a futile attempt to get warm.

 _Maybe there is a reason no one came here before,_ she added.

Soon Jaehwan surrounded her with her big jacket and started rubbing her arms.

“This is going to look amazing. Look at this scenery!” It was hard to resist Jaehwan’s smile and not to get dragged by her enthusiasm. So Sanghyuk nodded and let her cuddle her.

 

_VIXX is getting ready for a return with a full length album, but ahead of the release, we're being treated to a MV for one of the songs!_

_With the pre-release "Only U", the girls show us their ability to pull off various genres of music, exciting us for their full comeback._

 

It still felt like a dream to Sanghyuk, to stand on a stage on the other side of the world and to have such a huge crowd calling her name, telling her over and over that they loved her.

It would have been overwhelming if a tiny part of Sanghyuk didn’t actually believe she deserved the praise. All the sacrifices they had to do, the lack of sleep, the physical strain, the absence of private life, they were forsaken while they  got to shine on stage. As long as someone would scream their name, VIXX would ignore the dark bags under their eyes, the hunger and also the hyper awareness of their acts.

VIXX was standing on a stage in Sweden and Sanghyuk didn’t have to force a smile.

 

— **Should I stay** —

 

“You are out of your mind” Sanghyuk kept repeating it trying to make all of them understand. “We can’t do this, it would be our doom.”

They had spent so many hours in that room with their producer and several members of the company that the air was thick and heavy, somehow adding up to Sanghyuk stressed breathing.

“Baby” Hakyeon took a step towards her, both her hands raised in a very non-threatening way, and yet Sanghyuk took a step back. She couldn’t take anyone touching her. “Can’t you see it is a good idea?”

Sanghyuk held her arms tight against her chest and kept reliving all they went through the last time they had a _good idea._

Taekwoon laid her hands on Sanghyuk’s hip and mouthed a quiet _breathe_ before looking sternly at Hakyeon making her walk away. Sanghyuk didn’t know where the tremor came from, where all that fear had been stored since On  & On, how easily Sanghyuk’s ground was shaken.

“Sanghyuk” Wonsik’s voice did not have any of her usual sweetness, it sounded more like the aggressive growl she used on stage and that made Sanghyuk look up. “Why did you come here, a year ago and joined the program?”

“What-”

“Why” Wonsik simply repeated, “did you come here and trained with us to become a star?”

“I-I don’t know,” Sanghyuk answered “I just wanted to be on a stage.”

She could see Jaehwan, thin as a thread, with bags under her eyes and her rough voice; Hongbin, who always woke up first to go to the gym, to clean the dorm and to do some extra vocal training; who knew when was the last time that Hakyeon had slept more than 4 hours in a row. Sanghyuk saw Taekwoon’s hands, with her nails bitten to the core, and Wonsik had been sleeping for weeks in her cramped studio. Somehow her answer felt extremely weak.

“I wanted people to like me” She confessed, and it felt like a huge weight on her chest to finally say it out loud. Wonsik snorted and Sanghyuk flinched a little.

“I have been working my ass off for years, Sanghyuk” Wonsik replied. “I did not give up everything to get until here and then give up because we are scared.”

“When I was little,” Taekwoon said, not wanting the silence to take over, “all I did was dreaming about becoming a professional football player. I woke up thinking about it and went to sleep with that on my mind. So when I got injured, singing saved me.” Sanghyuk had never felt so little in her entire life. “I just wanted my singing to save someone else too.”

“I need to be more than a pretty face, Sanghyuk” Hongbin whispered. “I don’t want to be another random group that just does what they are supposed to do. We need this.”

“This is going to be our year, Sanghyukkie.” Jaehwan said.

Sanghyuk sank on the ugly couch.

“I am so scared.”

“We know baby” Hakyeon hugged her. “We are too.”

 

_Somehow, the final stage of 2013 is here. However, VIXX’s 2013 is not over yet. Rather it’s their start after releasing their first album. This year where idols in their second years like EXO and Crayonpop had extreme success, will VIXX, who has also shown an immense growth, be able to fulfill a successful conclusion?_

 

The makeup felt heavier than usual somehow, and the layered clothes making it harder to breathe. Hakyeon kept coming over to her and fuzzing over every strand of hair, every light touch accompanied by a quiet _It’s gonna be alright_. Sanghyuk  looked over at Hongbin and chuckled, remembering how all of them thought that with her hair covering half of her face she looked like Violet from The Incredibles. The fact that the channel had deemed their choreo inappropriate caught them by surprise and yet it was a bit expected. People fake-stabbing each other on stage might be a little bit too much for the public scene.

Sanghyuk was thankful that her part in this song was so little (although it stung every time she proactively thought about it) because she doubted she could keep her voice stable much longer than that.

 

The first time VIXX won and Sanghyuk saw the members crying, she finally started to understand.

This was their everything. And she was a part of it.

 

— **Love is a nightmare** —

 

_VIXX, also known as the queens of concepts, has made a long awaited comeback with their new single “Eternity”. The concept of “fantasy of time” is a recurring theme, and comes into play as VIXX reminisces a past love._

_This is the kind of thing that has led VIXX to the top, they stand out for being able to pull off unique concepts while still  appealing to the Kpop audience._

 

Sanghyuk was enjoying her afternoon taking a nap on their tiny couch. Wonsik found her, hours later, curled up and holding a pillow against her chest. It almost pained her to wake her up, the preparations for the concert were taking so much of them, draining them and challenging them in a new different way. In the end, Wonsik just sat on the floor and laid her head next to Sanghyuk’s and fell asleep too.

It was a continuous rustling that woke her up, and between yawns and stretches she saw Sanghyuk holding the music sheets she wanted to give her hours ago.

“Do you like it?” is all she managed to say before Sanghyuk threw herself on top of her, both of them falling on the floor. “Careful, brat!”

“Wonsik, I love it!” Sanghyuk was properly glowing, and Wonsik though that was why she had spent the last weeks holed up in her studio, to bring back that light to her friend. “How? When? Why?”

“The world deserves to know how beautiful your voice is,” Wonsik answered. “And I’d be honored if they’d do so through one of my songs.”

Sanghyuk was at a loss for words, so she simply hugged Wonsik again, trying to convey how thankful she was.

“What is it called?

“Memory.” 

 

— **Let me free** —

 

A week after their first appearance on Weekly Idol, Hakyeon got home after a long day of recording and found Jaehwan cooking in the kitchen while Sanghyuk talked her ear off trying to get some food.

“Hakyeon! Could you please tell Jaehwan to listen to me? She is ignoring me and I am hungry!” Sanghyuk pouted as she pointed to the fridge door where Jaehwan was rummaging.

“Where are Wonsik, Hongbin and Taekwoon?” Hakyeon asked, deliberately ignoring the request.

“Wonsik said she wanted to hit the studio and left a while ago” Sanghyuk reported. “Taekwoon, she is in the bedroom. She doesn't want us coming in.”

Hakyeon walked with Sanghyuk to their room and found her sitting on the floor next to the window checking her cell phone. Their manager had updated her on what had happened so she knew exactly what Taekwoon was looking at. Hakyeon sat down next to her on the floor and didn't utter a word. After a while, Taekwoon let her head fall onto Hakyeon's shoulder and she let out a loud sigh. Sanghyuk opted to sit in front of Taekwoon and stared at her feet.

“Stop worrying or you'll get wrinkles.” Hakyeon’s voice always got softer when talking to Taekwoon, Sanghyuk wondered.

“They made a complaint.”

It was too easy to notice the pain in Taekwoon’s feathery voice; Sanghyuk could almost feel it herself.

“I know.”

“Because they said I was uncooperative.”

“I know.”

“Even though I tried.”

“I know.”

“Is that all you are going to say?”

“Do you want me to say something else?”

“... Not really.”

So Hakyeon simply sat there, slowly twisting a strand of Taekwoon's hair and hoping that someday just being themselves would be more than enough.

Sanghyuk crawled closer and left her head fall on Hakyeon’s lap.

Everything would turn out great, she knew it.

 

— **Love is incomplete** —

 

Sanghyuk sat in a corner of the ugly couch in their studio, her knees drawn to her chest. She could feel her heart pounding and there was an uncomfortable pitch in her ears and somehow what was bothering her the most was the heat in her cheeks, probably burning red from shame. It was so humiliating; it seemed ridiculous for her to be going through this again after so many years.

The rest of the members were super uncomfortable, she could tell, all of them staring at their producer with blank faces somehow trying to pay attention to whatever it was he was saying.

The paper with the lyrics of their new song was right in front of her, and Sanghyuk had to fight back the tears whenever she  saw that her name was written next to only two lines. Her eyes stung and yet she could not get her eyes away from the paper, as if with willpower she could change it somehow.

Hakyeon, who was sitting next to her, laid her warm hand on her neck and started to circle her thumb on her skin, trying to soothe her. Yet somehow it only made her feel smaller which she hated.

It wasn’t until Jaehwan jumped up her seat and said that she would give some of her lines to Sanghyuk that she really breathed again.

  

— **I am slave** —

 

_VIXX has done it again._

_Their latest track "Chained up" has showed us once again that nothing is out of reach of these girls. Their vocals, dance routines and concept is general is unique and not easily forgettable. Considering the way some of their comebacks were criticized, VIXX has decided to take a big risk presenting themselves as love slaves._

_"The queens of concepts", as some call them, keep showing the audience over and over again that no stage is too big for them and that no matter what some people might say, these girls have earned for their name to shine among all the other stars._

 

Sanghyuk was clearly struggling with the ridiculous shirt they were wearing, sweat slowly starting to fall on her neck. After a few minutes, she gave up and chose to flop on the couch they had backstage. Her white skirt came up, but she didn’t bother readjusting it since the dark short she was wearing underneath were keeping all of her special areas a secret, as Hakyeon used to say.

Sanghyuk closed her eyes and focused on repeating the choreography in her mind. They had been notified just a few hours earlier that the dance they had prepared was too “provocative” and had to work quickly creating a replacement for some of the steps.

It was making all of them jittery, since rehearsing the new choreography hadn’t really been an option.

Hongbin was humming the melody of the song as she reapplied her lipstick, observing with care every corner of her face and her impeccable makeup. Wonsik was curled up in a chair and getting some well-deserved rest, while the rest of them were dolling up. Hakyeon left her head rest on Jaehwan’s shoulder, whispering probably soothing words into her ear. Taekwoon was staring at herself in the mirror dazed trying to take in the clothes that were chosen for the performance. They hadn’t had to dance in such revealing clothes since On and On.

Sanghyuk stood up, and walked to stand right behind Taekwoon.

“Have you noticed?”

“Hm?”

“I am taller than you. I am not a kid anymore, Grandma.” Sanghyuk answered. She then proceeded to annoy the crap out of her, because it was also the easiest way to make her smile.

 

— **All mine** —

 

Sanghyuk flopped on her bed happily. She stretched, enjoying the way her limbs relaxed now that she had finally stopped moving.The beginning of the summer was starting to warm up and Sanghyuk was glad they had finished promoting. Taekwoon was often home now that she was done with the musical, and although Hakyeon and Jaehwan were busy with some individual schedules, they were starting to almost have a normal routine. Normal for them, at least.

Sanghyuk turned around and sighed. She knew it was all ephemere, since Wonsik was already working on their next album, Hongbin was already being booked for some dramas, and Taekwoon was mostly thinking about new compositions to add to Wonsik’s work.

Sanghyuk turned around once again and smiled. She could see her award for best rookie actress on her shelf and for a moment she almost forgot all her tiredness and the physical pain.

It was worth it. They were worth it.

  

— **Ment** —

 

“Sanghyuk, what plans do you have for the future?” The MC handed her the microphone and smiled brightly.

“For now, I am not sure” SangHyuk answered. “But I am kind of happy not to know” she added.

“How come?” The MC leaned in and held the microphone next to her face.

“I am happy about it because I consider myself lucky enough to have five fantastic people by my side that take care of me. They never let me forget how all the opportunities are ahead of me and within my reach.”

“Don’t you have any regrets? Would you change anything?”

Sanghyuk didn’t hesitate before answering.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I was way too ambitious about this.  
> It started as a way of comparing how girl groups usually are measured by different standards than boy groups. And then I didn't want to be too controversial. And then I just wanted to show how hard it must have been for them, regardless their gender.  
> I am just constantly drowning in feels for my babies *^*
> 
> Some of the "opinions" you see in italic are extract from real articles about VIXX and their comebacks. All credits for those sentences go to the original author. 
> 
>  
> 
> I'd like to thank Jaehwantastic, Jeadore and Voguingfairy, for their help and support!


End file.
